MY TRASH

Monday, December 7, 2009

It's draggy, yeah.. I know.. It feels so good to type it.

The year of misery: 2008 and early 2009
I guess many people want to know how I was last year. Especially about these two guys. Well, I fell for this guy when I got to know him. When I knew him more, I really didn't know that there is this such person as my squadmate. He began calling me and we talked more often. It was the annual area 9 games day and I remembered we bumped into each other heads. That was when something occurred to me that I might be falling for him. So on that day, I told myself, I'm gonna take my time. If I really do like him, I'll bump into him at the interchange. I had to pick up my name tag at the army shop and the only bus there was 22. I took my time on purpose and guess what? As I entered the queue for the bus, I saw him waiting for his bus. I yelled out to him immediately and yeah, it's confirmed, I'm in love. I even texted Syarifah about this and even she can confirm it. That was the moment that everything began. So it was about a month later then we're together. We don't really go out much, except for occasional movies. He's sweet, sure he is. We often argued a lot. Whenever we argued, I would always confide in the SI back then. He's such a warm figure to me and I can really count on him a lot. Between he and I, we don't even talk or say hi to each other in school. But as for the SI and me, we're freakin' close to each other. He was like this warm and fuzzy guy to me. I know the SI likes me a lot, but my heart was with him all along and not the SI. As usual, we continued to argue a lot and tragedy struck on one afternoon when I was asleep. He called and yeah, we went our own way. I was depressed and I went to look for the SI downstairs. That was when I lied to myself about being over him. I was still in love, I had to forget him some how. Things got ugly a few months later when my senior, Amanda told me about him brainwashing me. It hit, me. Now everything makes sense. I know why he and I quarrelled so much. He started it all and influenced me to that. I was very, very disappointed with the SI. But who am I kidding? He did it to get me. He said, 'I can't look at you getting hurt by him anymore. And you love him so much. I had to do a little bit of brainwashing to wake you up. I like you for a very long time.' It was really hurting to hear such a thing. I like you, but why did you make my relationship fail? Why did I even bother to get in contact with you? Why did you made me notice you back in 2007 when I was a cadet and you were a staff sergeant? As you all know in NPCC, you go for a SI to a CI. And soon, this SI finished his O levels, time for him to go for his CI BTC in December. Somewhere between November and December, I decided to isolate myself. I had so much time to think. I kept my handphone on silent and whenever somebody called, I won't pick up. I would check who called at the end of the day. I would sleep at about 6am and wake up at 6pm, this was how scary my life was. It's like being a owl. This definitely didn't carry on. When it was his CI BTC, I decided to make the best of it, and I sent him from Tampines to HTA when he book in. When he books out, I would go to HTA for him. I wanted to make 2008 the best year for this soon-to-be-CI. Soon enough, I've had it. I told him to get the hell out of my life in December during the NPCC chalet gathering. The hurt that you felt equals to how much you hurt me. I really do like you, but I can't except why you did such a thing to me. I needed to take a good long break and get over him. In early 2009, I suddenly remembered about you. I was healing for quite a bit. I gotta admit, I wanna know how you did for O levels and which school you went to. So one day when we were in NPCC room, I knew it. I gotta talk to you. It was really awkward, really. I had to put on a mask to talk to you. I knew you missed me and so did I. It went well, and shortly after, I found myself finding lame excuses just so I can talk to you over the phone and text you over small little things. And when I first saw you in your CI uniform the CCA bazaar, I felt a strong satisfaction from it. I remembered how I used to tell you off when you wanted to give up to be a CI. But well, look what you're wearing now. I'm proud of you as a CI from our unit. Very, very proud. I asked myself a lot of questions about you, am I ready for you? Are you really the one for me? Am I gonna except the fate about you? Well, I answered yes to the questions. Pretty soon at around April as you left for Redang on holiday, I found out, I love you, I really do. It's like we're so used to each other's companionship and there we were, being together. There was once, I remember I was depressed. And you offered me to bring me to the movies. When I asked you about it the day before, you said you gotta attend Area 5 or 15's ATC/ STC. My mind blew apart, it was just the next day. You broke your promise. I got even more depressed. I felt so numb and I remember that we were shouting over the phone you being in Ubin and being back on shore in Singapore. It felt like what I did for you wasn't enough. I remember how I brought food to you when you were sick and it was at least twice, how I wrote those mushy (that is so not me) notes for you whenever I see you. It's like what I did wasn't enough. I know you appreciate it. You know, when I saw you for the NPAP trainings earlier this year, you were the one who made me wanna go for the training. And you were the one who made me wanna go for it. I still can remember you stupid smile to me when you look down from the grandstand at me when it was time for 'pandang ke-kanan, pandang'. And how you would stare it me when you were with you contingent 1 rehearsing. I would always get teased by area 9 NPAP participants. It definitely felt good to have a CI boyfriend. Few months later, you found me with my classmate at my house. He hugged me, and you saw it. I know it didn't felt good, you were really pissed off. That was when my dirty little secrets got found out soon, bit by bit. I was wearing our ring when it happened, this showed how much 'care' I had for you. I remember why I got the rings, it was because I want to remind myself constantly about you, that's why. And I got more in love with you when you accompanied me to visit my then sick grandfather. I remembered how you hugged me when I broke down in front of him about my grandmother. In my heart, I said, this is all I need. And when I met your friends, Izwan and Muhammad, they told me to take good care of you no matter what. But what happens when I don't know how to take good care of you? I wanted to. It turns out that I lied to myself being happy with you, I lied.

The mixed feelings, the thoughts
It's really good to have a CI boyfriend that you can look at during training. But why do you have to be so controlling? What is is about you and malay guys that you don't like me talking to them? Honestly, I gotta repeat this. I don't deserve you a single bit. I cheated on you with 3 other guys. When I had you, I had him and another guy. This is how 'playing' I am. I didn't care, I wanted to look for the things that I didn't found in you. I found it in other people instead. These other 3 guys are so unexpected people. Seriously... I was thinking, is it because of the fact that my previous relationship hurt me so much that it turned me into a bitch that I am today? I knew deep down, I love you. But what the hell am I doing? You can't imagine how much guilt I felt when I was with you, when I met you, when you said I love you to me. I feel good and sometimes bad to see you. Till this day when I see you, I still feel guilty. The guilt never dies even if you say you forgive me. But so what? What done is done and I've learnt to move on from it. Lillian deserves you.

Dirty little secrets
There's this song 'Dirty Little Secret' by the All American Rejects. I like this song a lot. In the song, they're like happy to have it but in reality, dirty little secrets are to be ashamed of. This song taught me a lot. I always believe that everybody has dirty little secrets. I have a few that I shared with some guys. I cheated on my ex boyfriend, that's why I left him. Some guys are from a really good school and some well, just came from my school. There are truly very unexpected people, and I don't understand, why do I always get involve with UG people!? Some of them had girlfriends of their own and they feel guilty. Well, these secrets I have with them, some of them they told their girlfriend and some till this day kept mum. I regret having secrets with them, but some are sweet. I'd always remember them as a good memory and not a regret, it's like how I remember my first serious relationship.

Green Day
I love Green Day, I'm a very big fan. XD I'm a fan for about a year now, and I own about 5 Green Day albums. Well, during the period where I isolated myself, I listened to a lot of Green Day's music. Some of which the songs, I can relate to. Green Day was part of my healing process, that's why I grew to love Green Day. Their songs can relate to every day activities. That's what I like. Music to me now is essential, and I listen to Green Day everyday. I live by to their song, 'Minority' because I believe in believing the minority. And yeah, fuck those who don't. Green Day is awesome to me, and that's why I love their music. From my own past, I can relate to them with a lot of songs like, 'Wake me up when September ends', 'Jesus of Suburbia', 'Give me Novacaine', 'Longview', 'Welcome to Paradise', 'American Idiot', 'Redundant', 'Waiting', 'I was there', 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams', 'Homecoming', 'Letterbomb', 'Basket Case' and just so many more. I got influenced by them a lot, I ADMIT! It taught me how to deal with things.

The places that I've been to
I went to Bali, Indonesia with my parents before. It was at there where I said, 'Why are you guys walking up and down this path? You are so troublesome!' And only because of what I said, my parents keep talking about it even till now. They said, I'm mature from young. LOL! I went to KL, Genting and Cameron Highlands, Malaysia. I went to Bangkok, Thailand for Chinese New Year once. I've been to Korea with my parents when I was about 5 years old and from there I went to Disneyland, USA. So yeah, I've been to USA it was about 10 years ago. I went to Pulau Ubin 3 times so far. Twice for camp and once with my parents. And finally most recently, I've been to Vietnam for about a week with my school.

My parents
They're both 50 years old, born in 1959. They're about two months apart from each other. But they look like they're 50. My mom is also slightly taller than my father, which makes my mom taller than my dad and I. Well... They nearly got divorced when I was about 3 or 4 because my dad was very close to a lady. But that was in the past. My dad used to work for at Changi Airport as one of the airport security people. He always has interesting stories to share. But he quit when I went to kindergarten because he wanted to have more time with me. So now he works at the Habourfront Tower office for this gambling ship. He met several famous singers before. My mom worked in Isetan as a sales assistant for about 15 years. She works at Billabong now (that explains why most of my stuff is from Billabong). My dad often criticise everything. Even music. But he's still a kid at heart and he'd always be like a little boy annoying me and my mom. I remembered, we fought really badly once and I cried my eyes out about it and it seemed like after it, we're okay. We learnt to tolerate each other. It was really bad and it was bad because my eyes swell up the next day and it was pretty serious. My mom is a stubborn lady. She always say she's slow in the mind and she said its a good thing that I'm not like her because I think fast. But well, I don't like that statement of hers because I love her, she's my mom. I'm suppose to be like her. And I really feel like yelling at those people who criticize her work and her attitude. Both my parents can be kiddy, but that way, life would be more fun. It's cool to have such parents, best part is, they're 50 years old with no serious illness (except for my mom's asthma)!

Personal beliefs and thoughts
I always believe that nobody can criticize each other. We are who we are and nobody can change that to their own liking. I share a lot of my life with the people around me and I'm always more than willing to share it. It made me become who I am. Nobody is perfect, no matter where you're from. I also believe in getting it your way because you yourself know your way the best and you can't let others (including your parents) lead you by the nose to tell you what's best. Lots of people say 'whatever' nowadays and you can rarely hear it from me. I don't think a word of it solves everything. It just stays there. Isabelle and I once talked about it, it's a really sensitive issue to the both of us and all the interracial couples together. Well, we said... Some of us might really be meant for the opposite race. And I fully concur to it. For all my life, I've been a free thinker. The past relationship I had was with a malay and well, my flings are all malays. I just want to let my parents know that I'm not gonna loose the guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life because of religion matters. It doesn't matter to me, because love really pays. I just hope that my parents can except for who I want to be with and I know they're not gonna be happy about it, but what if he's truly meant for me? Well, bottom line is, I'm not gonna loose the one I love because of religion matters and I'll fight for the approval of my parents no matter what.

The love of my life, Rasrimin
When I see you for the very first time, my heart really tells me I love you. Why did I met you so late? What is it about you that I adore so much? Why do I see you when I close my eyes and even as I blink? Why am I really so in love with you? And.. WHERE'D YOU GO ALL MY LIFE?! You know, people tell me that you're imperfect. But I believe that it's like this... It's the imperfect things about us that makes us perfect for each other. I know I told this to my ex boyfriend before, but it suits me and you more. Sometimes I wonder about you so much. We have less than 24 hours together every week but it's just more than enough for me and I'm contended. I lost interest in other guys and you don't give me any reason to cheat on you. IF, IF, IF we were to go our own way next time, I have no regrets because at least I found a guy like you in my life. And till today, I believe that there is so much to know more about you. The way we met each other is still so unexpected to me, let alone when we found out where we live. Even as I think back, I'll go ,'WOW'. It makes me day when I struggle to get up and go to the MRT station with you in the morning. Why do I love you so much? I always feel this adrenaline rush even if we can only see each other for about 20 minutes or less. You mean so much to me. And yeah, I can feel like between you and me when we first talk over MSN, I feel the connection to you. It feels so different with you. It's something special. It's like, ever since we talk on MSN, we started to build a bridge into each other's hearts and entering it slowly. Sometimes, I just feel like sitting down and look at you all day long. And my dear, I know... We don't have a lot of time together. I understand that you have to work and well, I'm coping with my Fridays and weekends well. But there's one little stubborn thing about you, you accept, but never reject it even if you're unwell. I had a price to pay when I went for STC and Vietnam and that was, you. I missed you a lot, and I thought of you all along. Why didn't I felt like this before, well... I don't know. But I do know that I love you a lot. You know, some people ask me why I have a floorball around my bag. I would answer them, 'It's because my boyfriend plays floorball, and I support it.' NPCC used to be my world, and now you ARE MY WORLD! You are way, way, way more important than you. I used to sleep a lot and after I knew you, I don't even think that I need to sleep. It just feels so good to be with you, I can hardly describe it. What lies ahead of me and you can be unexpected and it can be good. I love you for who you are, and well, I LOVE YOU! xD You surprise me at times, and sometimes, you get me out of my own problems like money counting. Well, sometimes I just feel like jumping on you from the back and whisper I love you, to you. I better wrap it up here because I want you to have your rest, Mondays are always tired for you. And I know that so long as I don't finish it, you will wait for it till you get to read it first hand. Soooooooo...

I'LL END HERE!

So yes..... This is basically the summary of my life.

This feels so good, satisfaction guaranteed!

It BLOWed up at 6:52 AM